No fewer than three times this week have I missed getting on a London underground train? My problem, I’m just too nice when it comes to commuting. Don’t get me wrong every now and then I have my moments of rage but for the large part I realised I’m far too nice. Three times this week I have let my fellow passengers board ahead of me and missed out boarding the train. It’s therefore in satirical fashion I present to you my survival guide for the London Underground.
How to survive the London Underground
- Fuck everyone. That’s right fuck them all (not literally of course). When it comes to London Underground its every man, woman or dog for himself. If you have children, leave them behind. It’s everyone for themselves. Believe me, I have seen parents leave their children on the platform as they scramble to get on the train.
- Don’t let anyone off the train before boarding. It’s first come first serve. If you aren’t the first one on the train carriage, just give up in life.
- Make lots of eye contact. Nothing more us Londoners love than a bit of flirting with the eyes on a cold miserable winter’s morning.
- Speak to everyone! Even better sing! We all love a good old fashioned Mary Poppins sing along at 6am on a Monday morning!
- What beats a singalong? A flashmob! Who doesn’t love a flashsmob?! Especially when it ends with a proposal.
- Obstruct the doors and block your fellow passengers from getting on the train. Ain’t nobody getting in to your personal space.
- Stand on the left. #trendsetter #justsaying
- Travel with a tent. With ever increasing transport fares in London (thanks Boris), just set up home on a train. No one will notice.
- Rummage through your purse at rush hour in front of the Oyster barrier at your suburban Underground station where there is only one ticket barrier leading to the platforms. Everyone will love you!
- Headphones too loud? Let’s be honest, they probably aren’t loud enough. I for one love a bit of 7am Bieber. Even better, take out your headphones and play Bieber from your phone.